Ask Stacy: Never Forget, the Overcast of Divorce Will Pass

Here in Southern California, where I live and work, we have something we call “June Gloom.” I live approximately 10 miles from the beach, and during early summer, we experience a weather pattern in which dense fog rolls in off the ocean. Sometimes the fog does not burn off until the late afternoon, keeping the temperatures cool but also depriving us of seeing the sun. Some people develop a sense of dread when they go days without sunshine. I bring up this weather phenomenon because it reminds me of what happens to many people during a divorce. It is that same feeling of dread, as if each day they are being deprived of any sunshine in their lives. I try to remind my clients that, much like June Gloom, this, too, will pass. It is important to remember that brighter days are ahead.

And on that hopeful note, let us take a look at your questions:

ASK STACY: My husband and I built a luxury lifestyle together that included private school, multiple vacations, club memberships, and household staff. We live in California and are getting a divorce. How does a court decide what part of that lifestyle should continue through support?

MY THOUGHTS: Needless to say, each case is different. The amount of child support is typically determined by a formula that factors in both parties' available cash and is calculated using a computer program that tracks the statute. Spousal support is determined by 13 factors and is capped at the marital standard of living. For very high earners, child support may be based on the reasonable needs of the best-dressed, best-educated children of a very wealthy person. For children such as these, support often includes private school, high-end vacations, and, in some cases, travel by private jet. However, when creating two households instead of one, it is difficult to maintain the same lifestyle. In the case of child support, as income increases, the amount of child support may also increase. That is not true for spousal support. Again, it is capped at the marital standard of living.

ASK STACY: My spouse and I still live together because neither of us can afford to move out yet. How can we manage a divorce when the marriage is over, but the household is still shared?

MY THOUGHTS: Living in the same house together is fine so long as you can get along and be civil. If you have an extra room, you can sleep in different bedrooms. If you have children, I would advise determining who has primary custody at any given time. By establishing ground rules, you can keep from fighting over every decision. And in the end, your main goal should be to minimize the impact on your children. This means behaving at your best. That is not always easy, since you both feel the need to end the marriage. If you are going to make this work, then you will need to show each other some respect. Hopefully, you can find a way to share the refrigerator without having to label whose food is whose.

ASK STACY: I have already started rebuilding my life emotionally, but my spouse is angry that I seem "too fine" and is becoming more difficult in the divorce. Is that a common dynamic, and how should someone in my shoes handle it?

MY THOUGHTS: I often tell my clients that if they are dating, be cool about it because you do not want to rub it in your spouse’s face. If you are in a relationship, even though you are certainly allowed to be, you do not want to hurt the other person emotionally. Doing so will only increase the intensity of the conflict. I would keep a low profile in all respects and stay off social media. Do not show your life as too perfect.. The fact that you are moving on emotionally is a very good thing, and you should be applauded, but you do not want to use that progress as a weapon against your ex. That is counterproductive.

ASK STACY: My husband and I are Orthodox Jews. As I am sure you know, in Jewish law, divorce is allowed, but the husband has to grant it. He must provide a "Get" for his wife. If he refuses, the wife will be unable to remarry in the eyes of Jewish law. My attorney says this will not prevent me from divorcing him in California, but I am worried about the implications for my future. What would you counsel?

MY THOUGHTS: I would strongly urge you to talk to your rabbi. In my experience, it is much easier these days to encourage a husband to grant a Get. I have actually dealt with this situation quite a bit. Seek help from your rabbi, who can act as a go-between with your husband. As a spiritual counselor, a rabbi can assist you both in navigating this challenging situation. I have worked with clients, aiding them in obtaining a Get, long before their secular divorce was finalized. This allowed my female clients to date, which they would not have been able to do without the Get.

ASK STACY: I did not realize how much of my identity was tied to being part of a couple until the divorce started. What practical and emotional reset do you think people underestimate most at the beginning of a divorce?

MY THOUGHTS: Clients are almost always shocked by how much their lives change as a result of divorce. Sometimes it is difficult, but it is important to never lose sight of the fact that change can be good. That is one of the reasons I advocate that clients work with a therapist to process the changes in their lives. It goes without saying that the family dynamic and the holidays have changed. Everything you once did as a couple will now be very different. I have even had potential clients who decided not to get a divorce because they could not bear the thought of losing the family structure. I understand this completely.

ASK STACY: My uncle is a very famous author. Before he passed, he gifted me several first editions of his best-selling novels. They are all inscribed to both my husband and me. Even though he specifically gave them to me, does the fact that my husband's name appears on them mean that he is entitled to them as well in the divorce?

MY THOUGHTS: This is a tough one. The fact that your husband’s name is inscribed in the books will be very clear evidence to the court that your uncle meant the gift for both of you. Unless you have evidence to the contrary, you are likely to lose this one.

ASK STACY: I feel like my marriage ended the way a reality show relationship ends: slowly, publicly, and with way too many opinions from outsiders. Friends, siblings, and even neighbors all seem invested in taking sides. How do you keep a divorce from turning into everybody else's group project?

MY THOUGHTS: Keep a low profile and tell people you appreciate their input, but that you have counsel and you are handling this yourself. When you spend time with your friends, siblings, and neighbors, you really do not want to be talking about your divorce. Remember, anything you say about the marriage and the divorce, even amongst your closest friends and family, is fair game for your spouse to depose and introduce in court. This is not to say that you do not need friends and family in your life. On the contrary, they are the perfect people to help you find joy and balance in your life, separate and apart from this divorce.

ASK STACY: My spouse has started spouting celebrity "conscious uncoupling" language, but behind the scenes is being passive-aggressive, evasive, and difficult about basic decisions. Will the court see through this obvious charade? He is trying to paint me as the unreasonable one.

MY THOUGHTS: As long as you give the court specific instances of what your spouse has done in terms of being passive-aggressive, evasive, and difficult, those instances may be relevant to what is being decided, and the court will take note. He is going to act the way your spouse is going to act, so you need to gather evidence of his less-than-transparent behavior. However, the threshold for bad actors is very high to impact a fee award.

ASK STACY: Do attorneys make for bad clients in divorce cases? I can imagine they might second-guess their divorce lawyer's every move.

MY THOUGHTS: Sometimes they are the best clients; sometimes they are the worst. Sometimes they second-guess and think they know better than everybody, and sometimes they understand the process and are responsive, helpful, and smart. Attorneys tend to be much like everyone else when it comes to divorce. The only real difference is that they do know far more about the law and how courts work.

ASK STACY: I read online that Jennifer Garner is planning to marry John Miller. Both are wealthy, but she wants a prenuptial agreement in place first. Why would this be necessary if both have considerable wealth?

MY THOUGHTS: While neither is my client, I am guessing they want the prenup to keep things separate and to ensure that, God forbid, if they get divorced, they do not have to go through a protracted process. Even if they both have considerable wealth, things can get commingled. It is better to have clean lines. California imposes its own contract, and you have the opportunity to impose your own. When two wealthy people from different areas come together, they do not want to create a financial mishmash. If they want to do things together, they can absolutely choose to. But trying to untangle things later and deal with miscommunication or mismatched expectations is complicated. It is better to have everything clearly defined from the start.

Please note: The content and views expressed here are my own and do not reflect or represent the positions, strategies, views, or opinions of Blank Rome LLP.