Ask Stacy: Divorce is No Laughing Matter… Or is It?

If you asked my friends and family, they would tell you that I love to laugh and cry in equal measures. Regular readers of this column know that I am a huge fan of Hallmark movies because I love how they elicit strong emotions. For me, nothing is more enjoyable than getting caught up in a sentimental, tear-jerker of a story. And I am equally attracted to laughter. I remember hearing this one-liner from Groucho Marx: “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” As a family law attorney, I would never poke fun at divorce, which is a very serious and emotional experience for all who go through it. But I do think it is important for us all never to lose our ability to laugh. It can be cathartic. If you can find humor even in the darkest hour, you will be better for it.

With that little pearl of wisdom, let us dive into your excellent questions:

ASK STACY: My spouse has become obsessed with biohacking and longevity treatments and has spent an enormous amount of money on experimental therapies during our marriage. During the divorce, is such spending treated as wasteful use of marital assets?

MY THOUGHTS: I admit I have not heard of this trend. Regardless, unless the spending was hidden, the state is generally not going to come in and legislate how people spend their money during the marriage. However, if there was a secret account and money was being spent surreptitiously, that could constitute a breach of fiduciary duty. Otherwise, the spending would not typically be considered wasteful dissipation. It is also worth considering how much was actually spent versus how much you want to spend litigating over it. Remember, attorney's fees can exceed the disputed amounts, and then what have you actually accomplished?

ASK STACY: My spouse and I agree we want a divorce, but we disagree on almost every detail. What should we tackle first to prevent the process from spiraling out of control?

MY THOUGHTS: First, get help so you are not trying to work through it on your own with just the two of you. Whether through mediation with consulting lawyers or with lawyers as your representatives, try to identify things you can seemingly agree on and use those as building blocks. Deal with the things you absolutely have to decide first. Come to an agreement; if you cannot, let a court decide those initial matters, and then you will see what it is like to have a court decide moving forward. By taking incremental steps, you can avoid becoming overwhelmed and feeling like things are insurmountable.

ASK STACY: My husband is suddenly being unusually nice and wants us to make private side deals outside of the formal divorce process. Is that smart, or can these informal agreements come back to hurt me later?

MY THOUGHTS: Do not make informal agreements. Everything you decide has to be in a written agreement, or it is not worth the paper it is written on. That is not to say you cannot communicate with each other, but whatever you agree to must be documented and outlined in the final formal document. Otherwise, it simply does not exist in the eyes of the court.

ASK STACY: My wife says her engagement ring should stay hers entirely, but the center stone came from a family heirloom on my side. If we divorce, does that family history matter legally?

MY THOUGHTS: Engagement rings are a tough issue. They are generally considered a gift, and once a marriage is consummated, the ring typically becomes that person's property (though laws vary by state). However, if the stone is a family heirloom, I personally believe the right thing to do is to return it so it can continue in the family. A compromise might be to agree to pass it to your children so it stays in the family. You could also pay her the financial value of the ring.

ASK STACY: During our marriage, I had nothing to do with handling the bills, taxes, or investments. Now, I feel overwhelmed and embarrassed by how little I know. Do you see this often, and how do you counsel your clients on how best to protect themselves?

MY THOUGHTS: This is very common. Do not feel embarrassed. The most important first step is to acknowledge that you do not know and ask for help. Ask your accountant to set you up with bill-paying tools or online services, or to walk you through doing it manually. If you can afford it, hire a bookkeeper to manage those tasks for you. Building financial literacy is essential to protecting yourself going forward. There is no shame in admitting you do not know everything. View this as a learning opportunity.

ASK STACY: My wife is constantly rewriting history and denying things she clearly said or did during the marriage. How much does that kind of manipulation matter in a divorce case, and how should I respond?

MY THOUGHTS: Having things in writing is extremely helpful. Look through your emails and texts for documentation of what was said or agreed to. If the issue matters to the court's ultimate decision and it is in writing, that evidence can be very powerful. In a he-said/she-said situation at trial, the court will evaluate the credibility of both parties. It is worth noting that California's reimbursement statutes were specifically designed to eliminate "pillow talk." These verbal promises are very difficult to enforce without a written record in the manner mandated by statutes and case law.

ASK STACY: Our adult children are taking sides and pressuring me about what I should or should not agree to in the divorce. How much influence should grown children have, if any, over the process? And what do you recommend I do about this?

MY THOUGHTS: This divorce should be about you and your spouse. Adult children should not be inserting themselves into the process, but I know this often happens. Their intentions may be good, but that does not mean you have to agree with them. I recommend that you listen to what they have to say and evaluate it yourself with clear eyes. Also, ask yourself whether their concern is really about their own financial future and inheritance, and make sure you are protecting your own interests first and foremost. Honestly, your kids may not even be aware they are conflicted in this, so I would take their concern as a measure of their love, but set it aside in favor of your own best judgment about what is best for yourself.

ASK STACY: My husband and I are divorcing, and the fight no one saw coming is over a painstakingly curated dinner-party guest list. We have spent years building a shared social world that benefits us both professionally. Is there any legal relevance to the loss of social capital in a California divorce, or is that simply one of those painful realities no court can fix?

MY THOUGHTS: That falls into the category of painful realities that a court cannot fix. The practical answer is that you can both keep the dinner party guest list and each host your own gatherings going forward. You will have to see where those friendships naturally land. There is no legal remedy for divided social circles. As someone who truly values and enjoys entertaining, I understand how you feel. If you love entertaining as much as I do, I suspect you can be just as successful in your party planning on your own.

ASK STACY: One of the biggest disputes in our divorce is over a mausoleum crypt and burial plans we purchased during happier times. I no longer want to spend eternity next to my ex. Is something this morbid and personal actually a matter a family court can sort out?

MY THOUGHTS: Yes, this comes up, and it is very manageable. One spouse can buy out the other's interest in the crypt, or you can sell the entire burial plot together and divide the proceeds. This happens more often than people might expect, and it is something a court or settlement agreement can absolutely address.

ASK STACY: My husband and I are divorcing, and our teenage daughter keeps making TikTok videos and other social media posts about the tension at home. I do not think she means harm, but I am worried it could inflame things. How should parents handle children broadcasting family pain online during a divorce?

MY THOUGHTS: Sit down and have a direct conversation with your child about the difference between public and private matters, specifically that family relationships and divorce proceedings are private and should not be shared through social media. If the posting is your child's cathartic way of processing difficult emotions, that child would probably benefit from therapy rather than broadcasting her emotions online. Be especially mindful of this if your family has any public profiles or your names are easily searchable. What is really important here is that your daughter’s feelings are being addressed and that she gets the help she needs to deal with the divorce.

Please note: The content and views expressed here are my own and do not reflect or represent the positions, strategies, views, or opinions of Blank Rome LLP.