All New Ask Stacy – Season’s Change, Divorce Stays the Same

When my kids were younger, I recall the end of summer as that angst-filled time when vacation was over and school was back in session. Anticipating change can be a difficult thing. Your mind sometimes makes things much worse than they actually turn out to be. Divorce is another example of a life-altering event that brings tremendous stress. Believe me, I am not downplaying the real and life-changing impacts of divorce. But divorce happens for a reason. Clearly, the marriage is no longer working.

Though it can be hard to see the potential for better times ahead through the pain and anguish, I remind my clients that they will survive this process and have an opportunity to build a new and happier life on the other side.

My kids did not always believe me when I said going back to school was a good thing. But as adults themselves now, I think they have come to see the wisdom in my words.

With that, let us dig into some of your questions:

ASK STACY: My husband and I have decided that divorce is our only option. I know the first thing I need to do is get an attorney. What questions can I expect to be asked in that first meeting, and what questions should I be asking of the attorney?

MY THOUGHTS: When meeting with an attorney for the first time, be prepared to discuss what is most important to you. Questions you might hear will include: Do you and your children need protection? How many children do you have and what are their ages? How do you envision sharing your children? Will this be an issue? What are your assets and your liabilities? Do you own a house? Where did the down payment come from? Do you have savings, stocks, bonds, retirement plans, other real property, or limited partnership investments? Do you own a business? What do you both do for a living? What do you each earn? Are you and your spouse W2 employees or do you have a more complicated income structure? Do your investments generate income? Do you use that to live on or just reinvest for your future?

Most lawyers are trying to get a bead on a potential client by asking a lot of questions.  They might be trying to “suss out” if the client wants to learn things substantively? Or do they just want to have a conversation? In some cases, the client just wants to tell their story. Just the other day, I had a conversation with a potential client. I asked a question, and she launched off into an answer, but it had nothing to do with my question. I repeated my question, but again, she talked about what was on her mind. In fact, she never answered my question and that was fine. She needed to tell her story. In our call, after not answering my question, she told me that she appreciated that I listened to her. She shared that she had spoken with two other lawyers, neither of whom would let her talk. I told her that obviously it was important to her to get this out, and I wanted her to feel comfortable sharing what was on her mind.

Truth be told, this is not a cookie-cutter process. The attorney has to read the room. Sometimes you read it right, and sometimes you read it wrong. And sometimes what the client really needs is not what they think they need, but that is a decision for them to make.

ASK STACY: What factors influence the amount and duration of spousal support?

MY THOUGHTS: Amongst the 15 statutory factors that dictate the amount and duration of spousal support, the primary one is the length of the marriage. Other factors include whether a spouse has been out of the workforce to raise children, if there are health issues with either party, the age of the parties, etc. The income of the parties is key. To a lesser degree, the amount of support is dictated by the marital standard offering. If the paying spouse stops working and is not of retirement age, then that person could be imputed with income. It is not uncommon to have a vocational evaluation conducted by an expert who will evaluate somebody's skills and then opine as to what kind of job they could get and what they could be paid. I find that this approach is not very helpful. Just because a job may be available at that time does not mean it will be available at the time the person is looking, and whether they have the right qualifications. But the courts do rely on this type of evaluation.

ASK STACY: I need to find a good divorce lawyer. When I searched online, I came across a lawyer referral service. I know these types of services can be good for finding a dentist, plumber, or carpenter, but what are your feelings about using something like this to find a divorce lawyer?

MY THOUGHTS: I think the better way to find a divorce attorney is to ask people you know. A personal referral is a good place to start. If you have a friend who has gone through a divorce, it is worth asking them if they liked their lawyer or the opposition! Or if you have a business lawyer, an accountant, an estate planning lawyer, or therapist, ask them for a referral. Keep in mind, if you share the same accountant, business lawyer, estate planning lawyer, or therapist, they are supposed to give the names to both parties.

You certainly can look online and sometimes they will list the top lawyers. But all too often, the lists you see online are paid for by the attorneys. They are essentially an advertisement. There are some very good lists available, such as Chambers USA, Best Lawyers in America, Lawdragon’s 500 Leading Lawyers lists, and Super Lawyers.

ASK STACY: What happens if my husband files for bankruptcy during the divorce proceeding? Will that shield him from paying support?

MY THOUGHTS: Spousal support and child support are not dischargeable in a personal bankruptcy. In fact, the bankruptcy may free up money because it will no longer be used to pay off debts. I recommend speaking to a bankruptcy attorney to determine how his filing will impact your specific situation.

ASK STACY: My wife is not a U.S. citizen, and her Visa has expired. She is concerned about being deported if we file for divorce. Does visiting the family court present a deportation risk for her?

MY THOUGHTS: I am assuming your wife does not have her green card. Delaying the divorce until your spouse can get a green card is one option. I am seeing these concerns in my own practice. Recently, I participated in a continuing legal education session where they discussed scenarios where clients are afraid of being deported and don't want to go to court and request to proceed with hearings over Zoom so they are more protected. In your case, I think the best thing to do is to talk to an immigration lawyer to find out what the impact of filing for divorce will have on getting a green card.

ASK STACY: My wife and I are seeking an amicable divorce. I came across an online divorce portal that claims to streamline the process and keep costs down. Are there any downsides to taking this approach?

MY THOUGHTS: I am unsure which portal you are referring to, so I cannot provide an opinion on its accuracy. But if you have a simple estate, you can choose to go with an attorney mediator who specializes in family law mediation to help facilitate a resolution of your divorce, including your paperwork. And there is a lot of paperwork! I recommend selecting a mediator who specializes exclusively in family law, as opposed to someone who handles a variety of legal areas. I suggest that each of you have consulting attorneys, so that you are fully educated going into and throughout the mediation process.

ASK STACY: I recently read that overall divorce rates have been declining for more than a decade. Have you noticed this to be true amongst the more high-profile clientele you cater to?

MY THOUGHTS: Honestly, I have not heard those statistics, and I have not seen any sign of that in California, nor in my practice. One anecdotal trend I have noticed in the past year has been a dramatic rise in prenuptial agreements. I tend to be in favor of these agreements, so this is a good thing.

ASK STACY: Have you ever had aspirations to be a judge? Would you accept such a position if an appointment were offered?

MY THOUGHTS: When I was younger, I would absolutely have loved to be a judge, but I could not afford to. I wanted to send my kids to private school, which meant I had to focus my aspirations toward what I wanted for my children. This meant being a good breadwinner. At this stage of my life, I am no longer as interested.

ASK STACY: I work at a law firm and would greatly appreciate the opportunity to advance my career. What advice would you offer in finding a mentor?  The leadership of our firm is largely male, and as a female associate, I believe having a female mentor would be a more effective choice. Am I being too narrow-minded? And how would you recommend approaching a partner to solicit their mentorship?

MY THOUGHTS: In my opinion, career advancement is all about working your butt off. But I agree you should find yourself a mentor or sponsor. In your situation, I would recommend finding multiple mentors. One could be a male partner at your firm, and the other a female working elsewhere, keep an open mind. Try to work with different people, and eventually they'll winnow themselves down, or you will learn different skills from different people. Either way, you benefit.

As for securing a mentor, I would encourage you to be proactive and approach people you respect. Most will be flattered that you have sought them out. And if they cannot mentor you, they may well refer you to others. I would also recommend devoting yourself to the community. Speak, write, and join networking groups. Be active in the American Bar Association or your local bar association. Get yourself known. Most importantly, always be gracious and kind.

Please note: The content and views expressed here are my own and do not reflect or represent the positions, strategies, views, or opinions of Blank Rome LLP.